What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 13:37
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
I was seconnd youngest,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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So whats the point in blame.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot live in the past .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I don,t even have a pension.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I waited trembling.
Is it okay for me to wear girls’ underwear?
I was 9 years of age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I have no regrets .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im still living with it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My family never makes their pension either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What did i know ?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I couldn’t, believe it.
She loved him until the end.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ive learnt so much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I will be 64.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She married twice! .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When she asked me how she looked .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Who then, do I blame.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My life is so biszare .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Comes on , in middle age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was very sick at this time too.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She found it foreign!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He knew the spot.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Put me off passion for life!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I said to her
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i lived it daily.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.